Laurenisms: We are….

Me: Lauren, that backpack is ridiculously heavy. I don’t even know how you carry it. Do you really need all that stuff? You should clean that out.

Lauren: Mom, I need all of this. This is my science binder and my math binder and my…..*proceeds to identify every binder and notebook*  And, then, this is a Penn State brochure to remind myself where I’m going with all this and why I’m doing it.  So I don’t just give up and quit.

Me: *winning!*

Laurenism: Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater

Hiking through the Allegheny National Forest recently, Lauren and I have this conversation:

Lauren: Hey, mom, I thought of a new way to cheat.

Me: What? You shouldn’t be cheating, or thinking about how to.

Lauren: No, but listen. You just write the answers upside down on your chest. Then, wear a v-neck t-shirt and look down.

Me: *speechless*

Lauren: See, the teacher can’t bust you or they’d be inside trouble for looking down your shirt.

Me: If you’re that smart, you don’t need to cheat.

Lauren: I don’t need to, but I could.

 

 

Laurenisms: Wasted

A little set-up: I recently upgraded Lauren’s texting phone from Verizon (paying $40 a month fora texting phone) to a Smartphone at Cricket (Free phone, $30 a month unlimited everything), but I’ve yet to give her the phone because she’s missing a lot of homework assignments. So, yeah, I’m holding the phone hostage ….or dangling it like a carrot…whatever….a mom’s gotta do what a mom’s gotta do.

Anyway…occasionally, I let her play with it for an hour or so in evenings, hoping it might motivate her to get her work done so she can have the phone. Nope…it’s not really working. She may never get the phone, but…anyway…this morning:

Lauren: Mom, what do do with my phone that’s in your work bag all day?

Me: Nothing. I  just leave it in there.

Lauren: You should take it out and play Pokemon Go on it.

Me: I’m working at work.

Lauren: You can’t tell me you never take breaks.

Me: I don’t even know what Pokemon is.

Lauren: A smartphone is kinda wasted on you, mom.

 

 

Laurenisms: Dr. Abs

This story requires a little set up:

I recently had to take Lauren to the college I work at to be in the background of a photo I needed to take with a student. The student turned out to be a very handsome (and kind) young man who plans to be a neurosurgeon some day.

We did the photos and when we got in the car afterwards, I made some comment about how nice and attractive he was and Lauren busts out: “OMG, I know! He had like a six pack! No, he had like an 8-pack! And, I just kept telling myself…don’t look at his abs…don’t look at his abs.”

Three days later, we’re taking a walk on the bayfront, when out of the blue….

Lauren: Mom, if anything ever goes wrong with my brain, call that guy.

Me: *confused* What?

Lauren: That guy from the college who’s going to be a brain surgeon — Dr. Abs.

Me: *laughing* Deal!

 

Laurenisms: Rebels without a cause

Walking along the bayfront one evening, Lauren and I passed by the Victorian Princess, Erie’s scenic paddle boat. The gangplank is suspended above the water, a foot or so from the pier. Lauren notices the sign on the gangplank, which reads: Do Not Enter.

Lauren: See, now that just makes me want to enter. When they tell me not to do something, then I really, really want to do it. They should just not say anything and then I’d never even think about it.

Me: *OMG…she is my child!*  I know exactly what you mean.

 

 

 

 

 

Laurenisms: In search of a modern man

In the car, Lauren mentions something about her Child Development class…

Lauren: Yeah, but babies don’t like me. I mean, Kinzlee (her 1yo cousin) is the only baby that ever even smiled at me.

Me: Well, you know, you can probably babysit her. Deana would probably like some extra help sometimes and you’re old enough.

Lauren: Yeah, but I don’t know how to change diapers.

Me: You could learn.

Lauren: I don’t really see a point in that.

Me: Uh, who is going to change diapers if you have kids some day?

Lauren: Well, I guess I need a husband who knows how.

Me:  Huh.

Lauren: And, you will, cause you’ll probably be watching them, too. I know that you love babies.

 

 

Laurenisms: Explaining Justin Beiber

While driving in the car, jamming to AC/DC’s Back in Black on Sirius’ 80’s channel:

Lauren: You know what sucks, mom? When I get older, I’m going to have to explain to my kids about Justin Beiber and the crappy music I grew up with. I mean, like, you and dad had cool music when you were kids and mine is going to be this stupid pop crap.

Me: *She loves classic rock! Parenting win!*

 

 

Laurenisms: Don’t call her a dork

Lauren: Mom, did you know that every swear word actually means something?

Me: Uh, I guess.

Lauren: Like a “b$%#” is a female dog.

Me: Yeah.

Lauren: And “A@#” is a butt.

Me: Uh huh.

Lauren: A “jack#$@” is a donkey.

Me: It is. *holding breath, waiting for the big one, deciding to take bull by the horns*

Me: A “dork” is a boy’s ummm…you know.

Lauren: It is? OH. MY. GOD. I’m definitely not going to keep calling myself a dork then.

Me: I wouldn’t.

Laurenisms ~ Cry me a river

 

Last night, in the car, Lauren was rambling on about something that happened at school when she slipped in this little gem:

Lauren: Yeah, so I said to her: “Oh,  just cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it.”

LOL.

Yeah, the unsympathetic apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  I’m full of empathy, but…not so full of sympathy. They’re two very different things. 🙂

 

 

 

 

Laurenisms: Beware the warm pool

Lauren and I went to the YMCA on Monday night to swim laps, but an aquatics class had taken over the pool. We decided to join them after I saw a couple other mother/daughter duos in the class.

The pool was cold when we first got in, especially because we’d come from the smaller (warmer) pool.

After the warmup, the instructor said: “How’s that water now? Warmer now?”

Lauren: *dead serious* “Did she just pee in the pool?”

Me: *quizzical look, few seconds pause, then laughter*