There are currently at least two dozen things I’m avoiding doing. They range from little things like deadheading my tiger lilies and calling my dentist to schedule a root canal (two, actually…because 2020, right?) to big things like planning a graduation party I’m hosting in three weeks (I’ve done absolutely nothing but buy two tents on Wayfair yesterday) and a freelance story that’s due in a few days.
I even find it hard to force myself out to run or bike. I think I’ve rode my bike twice this summer and I’ve got no excuse other than I just don’t feel like it. I’ve got more free time than I’ve ever had since I’ve been working from home since March and my commute is about 36 seconds now. 2020 was the year I vowed to do a century (100-mile) ride, but now I’m literally like meh….why?
As you might have noticed, I can’t even find the energy/inspiration/discipline to write anything substantial on this blog.
I mostly walk, read, float in my pool, eat, drink, and scroll the Washington Post, which might be half of my problem.
The world is depressing and it all seems so hopeless and overwhelming. I mean we have secret military forces in Portland and racists holding open protests in Williamsport and Trump signs going up all over Erie County and, of course, thousands dying every day from a pandemic that our president just wants us all to shut up and forget about and half the country thinks is a hoax, despite the refrigerated trucks outside hospitals in Texas and Arizona and California to store the overflowing dead bodies. But…..yeah, it’s just like the flu and masks are stupid, right? K.
I’ve long realized that I’m way more productive (and probably happier) with routines. But, that was all upended in the spring and as it drags on and on with no real end (or plans) in sight, I just find myself feeling increasingly unmoored. Adrift. Just bouncing around on the waves, hoping I’ll make it to shore soon.
There’s not much to look forward to right now — no races, no racecations, no vacations, no concerts, no events, no moving Kelly into her first college dorm room or hearing about people she met during Welcome Week (that’s all virtual now). It’s becoming increasingly likely that Lauren will lose out on her entire senior year of high school. Oof. THAT is a blow. She’s been looking forward to being a senior and swim team captain for years now. Who knows if there even will be a swim season? It’s looking more and more unlikely.
I could/should use this time wisely — get super fit with all the extra time I have to work out, get that playroom cleaned out (cause my kids are 19 and 17 now), do all that gardening I never had time for (divide all those perennials, cut back those bushes, make new beds), bike long country roads I’ve been meaning to explore, paint the shutters, etc. But….but….but….
Malaise is my daily disposition. Uneasy. Uncomfortable. Unsure. Unmotivated. Waiting around for life to return to normal, even though that will mean less sleep, less free time, more makeup and putting on clothes that actually button.
I know I’m not the only one feeling this way these days and I can’t imagine how much worse this will get if it drags into the cold and darkness of winter.
And, yet, the Trump signs go up because, apparently, there are a lot of people who want four more years of this.
About Just Write: Just Write is my adaptation of free writing, a technique in which a person writes continuously and quickly without little regard for spelling, grammar, or topic. It helps writers overcome blocks of apathy and explore everything from meaningful topics to mundane observations with the same effort and without the pressure of crafting perfect prose. I just start writing.
“What ends up revealing itself when free writing is that everything has meaning. That is a magnificent gift of writing. If we write from a free heart-gut place, our souls start speaking.”